September 22, 2010

On books and covers

I've always been told that it's bad form to start a writing endeavor with a question. Now, having made a statement, I'm free to ask away.

What does a black coffee drinker look like? A mocha devotee? How about a grande half caff skinny vanilla latte fan?

I'm guessing you have your ideas. And shame one you, because that's racist, sexist, or some other kind of -ist that you don't want to be. You certainly can't, and should not, attempt to label a person based on what they choose to drink.

But I can. Because I have a blog. And internet anonymity (despite the fact that I'm quite public about my identity) lets me get away with saying whatever I want.

A black coffee drinker is frequently a middle aged to old person. They are direct, not usually waiting for you to ask what they want. "Just coffee," they say. Gender seems to play little to no roll here. If young, a black coffee drinker is a somewhat whispy psuedo-hipster. Like me. Some whispy pseudo-hipsters add cream and sugar however, thus making them less cool. Which, in hipster land, actually makes you more cool. Whatever.

People who drink sugar bombs fall in to several categories. They might be bros, fratty sorts who want the caffeine without actually tasting coffee. Their palate is too settled on beer and liqueur, after all. Skinny girls who shouldn't be able to maintain their figure also drink these things. But it's OK, because they get skim milk and will only eat a Kashi bar for dinner. Then, there are the middle aged and up people, who used to fall in to the former categories, only now they're not so thin anymore. Metabolism is cruel like that.

Which leads me to the sugar free folks. These are your relatively thin people, college aged an up, talking on their cell phones, traipsing about town in their Nike Lunar Glides and running shorts. They frequently browse the diet and weight loss section, eager to discover that magical macronutrient percentage which will optimize their figure. And no, these are not all women.

You might disagree with this assessment. You may think to yourself, "Self, I drink black coffee, yet wear running shorts all the time." While I will concede that my definitions are not likely to be bullet proof, I think it's equally possible that you're lying. Which is not healthy, frankly. Admit it, you want a skinny vanilla latte, you Jillian Michaels reader.

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