March 31, 2011

The Barista Diet, In Practice

You've tried everything. You've counted calories, cut carbs, flung fat - but you didn't get the results you wanted. The reason is simple: Most diets only focus on food, exercise, or the combination thereof. They focus on one part of your lifestyle, rather than the whole of it.

The Barista Diet is different. You don't just eat like a barista - you live like one. And after a few weeks of living like one, you'll start to look like one. Soon, you'll have concave cheeks, shaggy hair, and no legs to speak of. The Barista Diet isn't expensive - but you'll need to invest in some new belts.

But don't take my word for it. Or rather, do, because I don't have any doctors on board with this. Which is fine, really. Baristas are thin, doctors very often are not. Who are you going to believe? 

Even still, The Barista Diet is based on sound science. Hidden behind every other diet's foibles and shenanigans is one simple equation: calories in - calories out. If there is a deficit, you lose weight; if there is a surplus, you might gain a little. Your activity levels often determine where these additional calories are partitioned.

But while The Zone focuses on golden ratios, Paleo diets ban modern foods, and the Skinny Bitches deny animal products, The Barista Diet is easy to follow - and you still get to enjoy your favorite foods.

The reason is this: You'll be so active, and eat so little, that you really can't help but achieve a calorie deficit. Weight loss is inevitable.

The simplest way to follow The Barista Diet is to become a barista. But those jobs can be hard to get, and frankly, you might have a real job already. No worries though, The Barista Diet can be practiced from even the most humble of cubicles. No matter your job or situation, you need only follow these basic tenants.

1. You've heard that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but don't let that fool you in to giving it any attention. On The Barista Diet, you'll be waking up early, and jetting out the door almost right thereafter. Maybe you'll shower, but it's not encouraged. Once at work, you start attending to the things you would have started, had you showed up ten minutes ago. At a convenient interval, stop, and get coffee. This is also where you might grab half a bagel, scone, or some other assorted starch. Eat it as quickly as possible, and consume more coffee. 

2. Once your day starts, you don't get a break, and you don't sit. If you work in an office, give away your chair. Don't stand still either. Whatever space you've got, pace around in it, even when there's nothing to do. When there are activities, attend to them with a bustling, neurotic focus, like a nicotine deprived smoker trying to lite a cigarette. Keep drinking coffee throughout the day, and have a separate cup of ice water on hand. If you didn't finish your handful of breakfast scraps, you may nibble on what's left. Otherwise, this is a fasting period. 

3. Also during this period, you'll need to practice The Barista Diet's fitness routine. You move around a lot, and stand constantly, so your legs and core are already engaged. But those wispy arms need working too. If keeping a gallon of milk around isn't practical, find a moderately sized dumbbell, and bring it with you. Curl it randomly, and almost constantly, throughout the day. In between sets of curls, use that same dumbbell to do tricep extensions. Do as many sets of both as you can, as often as you can. 

4. When your shift is over, it's time to head home, or often enough, somewhere else. Dinner is whatever you want, with one caveat - it must be payed for in cash. If you get tips, so much the better. If not, portion out a reasonable amount, depending on how awesome you were at work. Keep in mind, however, that you need that extra cash to pay for gas, parking tickets, beer, and cigarettes. Cheap sandwich places are encouraged, as is sushi, and most pantry staples.

5. Stay up too late, doing whatever hobby you have. The more hipster credibility it lends, the better. Thus knitting, reading Kafka, or writing cords for your music project are all excellent ideas. You should also consider frequenting bars, supporting your nocturnal brethren.

6. Repeat the next day, as often as you can.

Remember, The Barista Diet isn't about changing the way you eat - it's about changing the way you live. Follow it right, and you'll be living thin in no time.

1 comment:

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