May 21, 2012

Breaking: Coffee Fails to Prevent Death

Sometimes I link to things, because reading in a vacuum is hard. It's probably really dark in there, first of all, and the dust and everything else makes it quite gross. So sometimes I link to things, and not always James Hoffmann articles.

This will not be one of those times, however. I simply don't feel the need, in this case, since you've no doubt heard the news. In fact, people have probably been telling you by the dozen. Noting your frequent coffee toting, they take it upon themselves to deliver unto you this glorious news. That, of course, is that coffee drinkers tend to die older, and are less likely to contract all the bad stuff you want to avoid.

The original article was published in the New England Journal of Medicine, one of my absolute favorites, if you want to look it up. But I did just spoil the ending for you, so maybe you can skip it. Personally, I would, since I think the story really lacked a love interest and dragons. Stories are always better with love interests and dragons.

In any case, the authors surmise that frequent coffee drinkers seem to enjoy a myriad of health benefits, most notably, a decreased risk of death. Well, not exactly. You're still 100% likely to die, sorry to say, as is everyone else. Voltaire supposedly drank something like 50 cups of coffee a day, and yes, he's quite dead. Also, he was really smart, so if there were a loophole in this whole death thing, you'd think he may have found it. But no, he didn't, and neither will any of us.

But that all sounds like a bit of a downer, doesn't it? Well, fret not, since you do get all those other benefits you've heard about before, and that this article extends upon. Probably, coffee helps stave off diabetes, cancer, Alzheimer's, and dragons.
See? This guy is sated by his morning joe, and thus doesn't want to eat Joe. It all works out.

But really, drink coffee because it's awesome. Drink it for all of the reasons I've spent thousands of words grasping for, for the taste, the culture, the people, the experience. If you want health advice, eat a goddamn vegetable.

1 comment:

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